Oh So Exhausted

I'm so incredibly tired out these days.
I say that I'm tired of people, of things, of bullshit.
But really, I'm tired of myself.
Of saying things I don't mean. Of not spending enough time with the people that I really want to. Of not knowing when to keep my mouth shut and not knowing when to open it. Of being awkward. Of avoiding situations and people. Of being intimidated. Of not finishing things I start. Of never ever having any alone time. Of not eating healthy. Of not accomplishing my goals. Of not improving. Of being a hypocrite. Of not taking the time. Of not standing up. Of not standing out. Of not giving people space when they so obviously want it. Of not lending a hand when they so obviously need it. Of not focusing on the positive.



I need a smack in the face.
And a rant.
A good one.
A happy one.
I would like that.
I would appreciate that.
Goodnight.

tick.

a clock.
a grandfather clock in the foyer of some million dollar home.
boils up this hate inside of me.
the precision of its ticking,
its perfectly polished wood.
why is it so capable?
set to do exactly the task before it.
simple, routine.
i hate this clock.
because of my inability to work that way
in a world
where that is all that is desired of me.

Coincidences.

so unpoetic.
just raw.
but words i can understand,
unmasked,
not trying to sound smart,
or prove anything,
except that a kind of beautiful honest modesty
does exist.

so thank you.
for that.



I happened to write this just hours before I opened a letter that I had received days earlier and had waited to open. My view on the letter fit almost perfectly with my emotions in this poem, and I thought it a kind coincidence.


Simplicity, I am a fan of, and this seems to though, not make anything more or less dramatic, leave me in a state of calm.


I haven't been posting on this blog of mine at all. I'm not one for being consistent a lot of the time, and this fits with that theme. But while I have not been writing here, I have been keeping a notebook. Not the usual type of diary - day by day - this is my life sort of notebook, but just snippets of fun things, or a few pages of stories I have written. I took the idea from my good friend Bv, and enjoy it quite a lot. Here are a few things that have stumbled their way into the pages of my little book:::





maybe i don't believe in reinvention. or maybe i just don't care enough to spend several hours going there, lugging ass back, (with serious potential for failure), to try. maybe i'm scared.





she spoke with a fluidity which he had seldom heard before. it was as if each word she said came in the exact correct order, and would be a crime to reword. like destroying the library you just spent seven hours alphabetizing.

k-bac, k-bac, k-bac!

"Owl's Aren't Very Seductive, For One Thing."


she always has something mind blowing to say. sometimes i feel like i should have something to add, but, i just carry boxes and stuff. post stickers. play video games. sometimes i break things. but that's not really the sort of thing i want to tell her about. you know. might not exactly knock her socks off.

compound words: dandy-lion, shuttlecock

several errors in judgement,

make it difficult for me to speak to you.

you claim my age and innocence a flaw,

call me naive and immature.

you seemed to think differently,

when you were trying to get in my pants.

asshole.

recycling? compost?

save the earth a whole new way,
be a cannibal!

an obvious upset
his head crashes down
on a desk of cold, dark wood
as unsupportive as the laughter of his peers.

DON'T GIVE UP.

And that was all. Sorry for the overload, and lack of anything actually worth your attention. In addition to those, there are also several lists in my notebook, here is one.

An Ever Expanding List Of Things That Make Me Smile

naked baby photos, romance novels,

poems about wrestling,

tetris, books that are not made into movies, flourless chocolate cake, jibberish,

something out of nothing, dance breaks, ginger beer,

angst,

weight lifter stamps, badass jeans,

lisps,

old people holding hands,

excessive chest hair,

elderly women who don't dye their hair, good endings to good books, things that are so bad they're good, words I cannot spell, helicopters,

roof top gardens, window boxes, home libraries,

first time sharpened pencils, worn pencils, leather book bindings,

the smell of grapefruit, something truly original,

islands, picnics in afternoon sun, dancing in the rain,

canoing in the rain, dinosaurs...

PEW-PEW-PEWPEW-PEWWWW! LAZERS.

WAAAHHHHHHH!!???


I just had my first improv show ever, AND IT WAS SO MUCH FUN. Like, ridiculous amounts. I was super nervous before, but it was fine. Our skits weren't the most amazing things ever, but they will suffice, and we will improv(e).

LalalaLLLALALALALA.

I'm in a really strange mood right now, in which I'm sort of half asleep and not thinking totally clearly. Nothing much has happened in the last little while, and yet, a lot... Lots of events, not much... actual happening? For me at least, I think I'll just get to feed off of other's excitement at the moment, which is much less dangerous, and that's okay with me. I'm not going and running into any shenanigans anytime soon. I have this new 'no drama' policy. Ironically, I'm missing my drama course sooooo much. Everyone in the class was super tight. Well, mostly. But yeah, I just... bleh. Clothing, which is what I have now, is so much less exciting. Although it does mean I have a class with Rae, which is super cool.

On a un-related issue (well it relates to Rae, and her best friend Dave...) I'm HALF WAY to getting STEVE!!! Steve is my to-be camera. I need about a thousand dollars to mail-order-groom him, and so yes. Half way-ish. I'm very excited.

Bum. Bum. Bum.
Oh my.

DAMN BITCH, IT'S ON FIRE.

It seems as if a lot of people I know are incredibly talented poets, and I'm super jealous because poetry has always been a medium that has awed me, because generally, I'm terrible at it.
But they say practice makes perfect, and so, I gave it a whirl.

Be forewarned, it's not any sort of kind of, uhm, whatever,... And it follows no rules and it doesn't rhyme and it doesn't have a title and I'm not sure what exactly qualifies it to be a poem, but whatevsies. It's actually the first poem I've ever written by choice.




i sit here typing
in this silent black cocoon
no one near
except these walls
.
i feel
endless possibilities
no pressure
every ounce of air has escaped the tank
if i were flammable
i would be an explosion
of bright colours
dancing around
in this ever small world that i've created
.




So, all in all, pretty terrible and unoriginal, but in my defense, my dog farted just before I wrote it. Yeah...

My favourite poet as a kid (and still is, because I'm not very well acquainted with the poetry world) is Shel Silverstein. He's wicked cool and dead, and always gives me a good belly chuckle.
I was planning to make a list of cool dead people, in Shel's honor, but then changed my mind. Not because it's morbid, but because there are just too many of them!

Laughter Is Contagious

So, I found out today that I was tagged a while ago by Erin (http://seeyourvoice.blogspot.com/). Thanks Erin!

The rules: Share six things that make you happy and tag six amazing starry-eyed bloggers!

The Tagilicious List of Happiness!

1. Baking. It always puts a smile on my face, and my belly.
2. Hugs. They really are wonderful.
3. My Dogs. and Ro's dog Gor(d/g)o
4. Movies. Nothing better than curling up with a blanket and a bowl of popcorn and watching a good flick.
5. Nature. Sweet smell of fresh air, wind and sun rays make me rather ecstatic.
6. Laughter & Smiles. They're contagious you know.

So the only problem with tagging six people is that I don't read a lot of blogs, and of the ten or so that I do, I'm pretty sure they've all been tagged. So, instead, if you could comment and suggest blogs that I should read? That would be lovely.

Jenny For Short

Today was a pretty crap day. Not that anything bad actually happened, just that I didn't do anything, and kind of moped and felt shitty about myself. No particular reason. Just the regular being stressed out about 'growing up' and the fact that I'm super unorganized and have no idea what I want to do in my future. I've thought about careers quite a bit in the last few days for some reason. I want a job. Not a career. Which sounds kind of odd right? It's just that in my mind a 'career' is something you go to school for and then you do for forever. Why can't you have a bunch of odd jobs? I don't want to do the same thing my whole life. But I feel pressure to have to decide exactly what I want to do, and I just have no fucking clue.

I also am going to have a fair amount of homework to catch up on when I go back to school because of the week and a half I was gone for Suessical. And my parents are going on vacation for two weeks, and I have exams at the end of the month, and I'm turning sixteen.

I think the compilation of these things is stressing me out. I want to be Peter Pan, in that I don't want to grow up.

But I'll stop complaining now, because I want to be in a better mood, and because I really have had a great holiday.....

The Awesome Things That Occurred During My Holidays List

1. IMPROV! What better way to enjoy yourself that to get together with a bunch of funky folk and get funny?
2. FRIENDS, CHILLIN'. I got to spend some time with my lil' friends about a week ago, and we ate pizza and dressed up in David Bowie wigs and shot nerf darts a each other and watched movies and all sorts of fun things!
3. BEING FIERCE. I also chilled with my fierce crew, and we anticipated and prepared for a zombie outbreak. Yep. We also exchanged gifts. I got some amazing things, including a new cardigan, a Peter MANSBRIDGE pin, and a certificate declaring my un-official Ukrainian-ness. Oh, yes, and pink hair dye!!!
4. ACTUALLY VIEWING THE ACT OF FIERCE OCCUR. My house was subject of another of Rae's photo shoots, which was tons of fun and meant I got to spend some time with her and Bv.
5. HANGIN' W/ THE FAM. I got to see a bunch of my family, eat good food & exchange gifts & hugs & convo.
6. VIVIENNE. On Christmas Eve of 2008, Vivienne, my gorgeous, yellow iPod nano was born.
7. BOOKS. I got a bunch of books for Christmas, which usually doesn't happen. So it was awesome. I got a collection of stories for young people by various authors, A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, April Raintree, The Zombie Survival Guide and a book of 250 crochet stitches! I'm stoked.
8. SPANAKOPITA. 'nough said.

And there's more than that, I just have a bad memory. So, I had a pretty great holiday, I just don't want it to end.
Blah.

Here I come January.
(Haha - one of my imaginary friends when I was a child was named January. The other was Asia.)

Oh yes, and happy Christmas, Chanukkah, and New Year! 2009, eh?